England's unwanted Test record

England's recent win at Lord's against New Zealand was just their second in 18 matches. In the 1980s we weren't so fortunate.

All seemed rosy in the England cricket garden in December 1986. As Gladstone Small settled himself to claim the catch that retained the Ashes at the MCG, the "can't bat, can't bowl, can't bowl" outfit had silenced the doubters. The celebrations were long and hard that night in Melbourne, and in hindsight that was just as well. Because England would not win another Test match for 20 months.

The record run of 18 consecutive matches without a win was unsurprisingly full of incidents, accidents, hints, and allegations. What started with a dead rubber defeat at Sydney slowly snowballed into chaos. There would be indiscipline, the Shakoor Rana affair, the Rothley Court affair, four captains in one summer, and finally a win that television viewers missed due to a soap opera. Depressing it may have been but dull it was not.

England had actually made a brave attempt to chase a target of 320 at Sydney in January 1987. But with the last ball of the penultimate over, Peter Sleep bowled John Emburey to spark wild scenes in the Australian camp - where were the celebration police back then? - as Allan Border's men claimed a consolation win. It was easy to dismiss the defeat as a young English supporter. Let them enjoy their crumb of comfort, it's not as if it will be 18 years before we win the Ashes again. Oh.

The next series in the English summer was one of frustration. Pakistan were a fine team, yet England batted well during the first two Tests that were severely affected by the weather. Ultimately the series was lost at Headingley, with Imran Khan taking ten wickets as England failed to reach 200 in both innings.

There was almost a miracle at Edgbaston in the next Test. After conceding 439 in the first innings, England replied with 521, before dismissing Pakistan for 205 on the final day. But chasing 124 in 18 overs, England stumbled after a good start, finishing 109/7. 

England did well to draw at the Oval after Pakistan amassed 708 in their first innings. But with the series lost 1-0, it was their third consecutive home series defeat after the losses to India and New Zealand the year before. It wasn't all doom and gloom, but soon the dark clouds would be gathering around skipper Mike Gatting.

The Ashes winning captain had progressed from hero to almost zero after his ill-fated reverse sweep in the 1987 World Cup final, and a troubled tour of Pakistan at the end of the year did little to help his standing. England cried foul during the 1-0 series loss, complaining of poor umpiring throughout. And in Faisalabad this perceived injustice erupted.

Chris Broad had already received a reprimand from England's management team for refusing to leave the crease during the defeat in first Test in Lahore. So when Gatting was involved in a blazing row with umpire Shakoor Rana at the end of day two in Faisalabad, you can probably understand the furore it caused.

Rana had accused Gatting of moving a fielder illegally as bowler Eddie Hemmings approached the crease, something that England's skipper vehemently denied. But when Rana called Gatting "a fucking cheat" there was no going back. The row began and the whole of the next day was abandoned as Rana refused to take to the field.

England were actually in a decent position in that second Test, but the abandoned day, and a draw in Karachi led to another series loss. It was now nine Tests without a win, but with a one-off Test against Australia and a tour of New Zealand approaching there was hope that the drought could be ended down under.

It appeared for a while as if normal service would be resumed in the Test at Sydney marking Australia's Bicentenary. Broad made another century against the old enemy - although he would be fined £500 for flattening a stump on being dismissed - and Australia were forced to follow-on. But an unbeaten 184 from David Boon led Australia to safety. Ten Tests and counting for England.

On to New Zealand and possibly a contender for the dullest Test series of all-time. Poor weather, lifeless pitches, and resolute batting all combined as the series was drawn 0-0. England had equalled their worst run in Tests - 13 matches without a win - which had been set between 1983/84-1984/85. The start of the decade had seen a run of 12 winless matches. We were truly spoiled during this time. 

On such solid foundations it was hardly surprising that the house came crashing down in 1988. A period of time when the wheels fully fell off the clown car. Extending their unwanted record to 18 Tests without victory Champagne, the summer of four captains takes some beating, although to be fair England gave it a good go just a year later.

The fun started when Gatting was sacked after England had drawn the first Test against the West Indies at Trent Bridge. Already unpopular due to the Rana row and because he had released an autobiography that was less than complimentary about his bosses, the Test and County Cricket Board had the perfect excuse to dismiss Gatting when he was accused of taking a barmaid back to his Rothley Court hotel bedroom.

Perhaps Gatting had been unlucky with the chain of events that led to his sacking. But after overseeing a record for England that stretched to 14 matches without a win, he was certainly vulnerable. The run would limp on to 18 by the end of the summer, as first Emburey, then Chris Cowdrey, and finally Graham Gooch all had a go at steadying the ship before it inevitably hit the iceberg.

Even when the sequence was ended there was a touch of farce that was highly appropriate for English cricket at the time. Needing 97 to beat Sri Lanka at Lord's on the final day, England reached 96/3 before Tim Robinson played out three dot balls just prior to lunch. When the umpires decided that there was no time for another over, you half expected the rain to come for the next two sessions.

Skipper Gooch had more reason than any to feel frustrated. Wanting to get to the Oval to play for Essex in the County Championship, his patience would have been severely tested when the presentation ceremony after England's win was delayed due to the fact that Australian soap opera Neighbours still had seven minutes left to run. 

It was such a typically ridiculous episode of English cricket that it almost makes you feel proud. English cricket fans, starved of that winning feeling in a Test for 20 months, did not get to see the glorious moment on television. This country, as Alan Partridge once said.

Of course, that is not the end of the tale. The comedy hits just kept on coming, although it was hard to laugh at the time. After a proposed tour to India was cancelled due to eight players having links with South Africa (including skipper Gooch), David Gower led England to a horrifying 4-0 Ashes defeat, but only after the original choice of Gatting as captain had been vetoed by TCCB Cricket Committee Chairman Ossie Wheatley. Are you keeping up at the back?

You had to be a tad crazy to follow the England cricket team during this time. Imagine turning on your television, or tuning into TMS, only to discover your team dissolving once again. Consider being a cricket mad teenager who had to suffer the same old nonsense match after match, for 20 months, without some kind of social media platform to express your anger.

Nevertheless, it was strangely addictive watching England during this period. Ultimately you knew they would let you down, yet you still came back for more. They have always been my favourite waste of time, although with our current record of two wins in 18 Tests, I feel like a bit of a glory hunter in comparison to my younger self.