1989 Ashes: An A to Z of humiliation

Failing to regain the Ashes in 2019 hurt, but nothing can compare to the 1989 series that provided an A to Z of humiliation.

They may have been billed as the worst Australian team to tour England, yet in David Boon the tourists at least had a drinker to contend with the best.  Reportedly drinking fifty-two cans of lager on the flight over, Boon had to be carried off the plane. 

From the off it was noticeable that skipper Allan Border was a different beast compared to the 1985 series in England.  Criticised by many for being too pally with the England team, Border was happy to adopt the Captain Grumpy persona for the 1989 tour.  “In 1985 we talked all the time,” said David Gower.  “But in 1989 I only heard him say ‘heads’ or ‘tails’ until about August.”

Border’s mood was hardly helped when Australia were faced with several lively pitches in their tour matches, the English counties given a financial incentive to defeat the tourists, a pot of £25,000 shared amongst any team that could topple the Aussies.  The prospect of facing quicks such as Devon Malcolm, Ian Bishop, Wasim Akram, and Patrick Patterson, on result tracks increased Border’s determination to leave the country victorious.

England followed up their summer of four captains in an appropriate fashion, with new Chairman of Selectors Ted Dexter and team coach Micky Stewart agreeing that Mike Gatting should be captain for the Ashes.  However, the TCCB chairman of the Cricket Committee Ossie Wheatley chose to veto the decision, leading to David Gower being handed the poisoned chalice.  On such solid foundations….

After winning the Texaco Trophy due to losing fewer wickets in the tied Trent Bridge ODI, England were optimistic as the Ashes started at Headingley.  But after inserting Australia, Gower looked on in horror as the tourists declared on 601/7.  England did avoid the follow-on, and the match appeared to be heading towards a draw.  But in a disastrous final day, England were dismissed for just 191 in 55.2 overs, to go 1-0 down in the series.

A quarter of England’s wickets in the match fell in what was to become a recurring theme of the series: lbw Alderman.  It is often stated that a piece of graffiti was spotted during that summer: ‘Thatcher out lbw Alderman’.  Sadly, this urban myth was debunked by Mike Selvey in the comments section of this blog.

Lord’s offered no respite for Gower.  Closing day three 184 runs behind with seven second innings wickets remaining, the England captain blew his top in the press conference, storming out to leave a bemused Stewart to face the music, whilst England’s beleaguered skipper went to the theatre to watch Anything Goes.  Australia’s subsequent six-wicket win added salt to the wounds.

Lambasted for not attending the opening Test, and accused of persuading Gower to insert Australia, Dexter was also in the spotlight.  Ian Botham’s autobiography detailing preparations for the third Test paint a telling picture.  Handing out sheets, Dexter wanted his England players to belt out a new hymn: Onward Gower’s Soldiers.  It was one example of many mad moments from Dexter, who did little to silence the doubters when praising ‘Malcolm Devon’ after the fifth Test.

The return of Beefy, who had missed Headingley and Lord’s due to a fractured cheekbone, was seen as England’s last hope, and his 46 did help England to save the follow-on.  In truth, England escaped Edgbaston with a draw mainly due to the weather; in fact, without rain, the series may have ended 6-0.

The smallest crumb of comfort was provided in Birmingham when Angus Fraser became the first man to dismiss Steve Waugh in the series.  Previously seen as a useful all-rounder, the 1989 series was a coming of age for Waugh; an average of 393 at the end of the third Test highlighting his hunger for runs.

The pain continued.  Slumping to 260 all out at Old Trafford, the omnishambles was demonstrated aptly when Botham took an almighty yahoo at spinner Trevor Hohns and was bowled for a duck.  At least Robin Smith provided one positive, scoring 143 in England’s pitiful total.  The Judge would end the series with two centuries, three 50s, and an average of 61.44.

The inevitable defeat was confirmed when Boon hit the winning runs off Nick Cook, but England’s problems extended beyond relinquishing the Ashes.  News broke of a rebel tour to South Africa, involving three men currently playing in Manchester, and five others that had already played in the series. 

Whilst the Australians were flourishing, the team victory song of Under the Southern Cross getting a regular airing, English cricket was reaching rock bottom.  Graham Gooch, so exasperated by his Alderman experience, had has very own Roberto Duran no mas moment, asking to sit out the fifth Test so that he could work on his game.  Michael Atherton recalls how Gower threw a plastic bag at him containing his kit prior to his debut in the fifth Test; no cap presentations back then, kids.

Any English hope that the Australians would take their eye off the ball were well and truly crushed on the first day at Trent Bridge.  Marsh and Taylor carried on their fine form as Australia closed day one on 301/0.  Gallows humour was the only way to go; Gower jokingly asked the twelfth man to see if the Press had any ideas on how to take a wicket and he then ordered a glass of champagne at lunch after eventually separating Australia’s openers.

Throughout the series, tales of Australian sledging were in plentiful supply, with Merv Hughes uttering expletives after most deliveries.  In his autobiography, Atherton recalls how Hughes “snarled at me constantly through his ludicrous moustache” and “I couldn’t make out what he was saying, except that every sledge ended with ‘areswipe’.”

Inevitably, England lost in Nottingham, and by the time the teams reached the Oval you wanted it to stop.  More chairs were shuffled on the Titanic, England’s final series tally of twenty-nine players the stuff of nightmares (Australia used just 12).  Stewart accidentally let slip that Alan Igglesden was England’s “17^th choice seamer”; now that’s what I call motivation.

If Border had declared earlier, then there is a strong chance that Australia would have wrapped up another victory.  But the English press were just happy that the ordeal had finished, one headline declaring “Thank XXXX they’re going home” in tribute to the Australian sponsor and lager of choice.

Prior to their victory parade in Sydney, the Australians played matches in the Netherlands and Denmark, with wicketkeeper Tim Zoehrer abandoning the gloves and taking wickets with his leg spin.  Topping the bowling average, it was probably a good job that Border didn’t unleash Zoehrer against England, as that would have completed the embarrassment.  English struggles against leg spin in the Ashes could wait another four years.

2019 smarts, but nothing compares to 1989.  From Anything Goes to Zoehrer, it truly was an A to Z of utter shame.